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Beyond Clouds and Waves

by Sai Choo

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1.
The Shell 02:22
I've been hiding in my shell a comfortable warm and lucid hell can't rely on lucky breaks a stupid fool who waits and waits Gotta stick my neck out there If it gets chopped at least I dared To try again despite the crust Always cautious, always safe Always need to know the time and place What I want is beyond my reach This safety bubble's gotta be breeched Can't just simply acquiesce to my thoughts They're full of shit and false reports I need to stop this madness now I'm afraid of getting hurt again One little failure and it's over for months I gotta stop smelling this shit I made Gotta get out this tiny shell Gotta stop being in this lucid hell
2.
Read My Mind 03:12
Gotta tell you that I can't stay Even though you know I run away Don't wanna be shy today It's hard Sometimes I wish you could read my mind Cos I struggle with words to find the way I really feel about you Closer and closer I wanna be But further and further I move away Can't seem get any nearer to you I've tried and tried and tried again but something in my mind doesn't agree why can't this be simple for once Drowning and drowning coming up for air Thrashing and flailing I wish I wasn't there Maybe I should give up to this struggle Reaching and reaching reaching out for you Take me from the old and straight into the new I've got no more strength for this at all Push me down and let me sink Deeper and deeper into the depths The light quickly fades and there's no escape
3.
The words you said they ring around me Bouncing round inside my skull I really need a moment's peace To calm my soul Inconvenience plagues me flashing painful memories Why can't you release me? Why must you stick around? Someone sieve the thoughts and feelings Mute all the sounds Still I must keep going on Ain't gonna finish now Moving forward when I don't know how I only can go alone No one here to help me out Dealing with knots of doubt The words you said they ring around me Restraining my arms and legs Can't escape the painful memories You're inside my head
4.
Endless questions of what I am Don't know if I'm foe or friend Can't find answers if I'm here Same old people same old stares Nothing behind the glazed-over eyes Smog continues to fill the skies What do we have to look forward to The flimsy insubstantial new I know things that you've been told Even if it feels you won't grow old The future's here the future's now What once was great now doesn't wow Quickly turns into wallpaper And soon it will all be vapour Present is what's worth living for Show yourself out that door Who I am and who we are Changes if you're close or far Cascading lights that bounce around In the silence of the sounds No more questions no more lies Take off that well-worn disguise Freely trade and loose exchange Boldly state you haven't changed
5.
ain't ready 03:53
My toes are cold Time to wriggle them Bring out the hot water bottle Toast them all over again It's hard to sleep at all When Summer turns to Fall My fingers are cold Time to breathe on them Vapour touches the air Condensing on my skin It's safe to say it's hard I'm always on my guard Hold up, I ain't ready I want it to all be the same Wait up, it ain't steady I ain't prepared for this sudden change This change My ears are cold Time to cover them Hats and earmuffs Will stop them whining Everything is muffled, that's good Don't need to listen to things I should Stay close, it's heavy Can't lift it myself Exerting more, it's sweaty It's probably good for general health Excuse me, for the state I'm in Trying to get this storm to pass I minimised the way I sinned But all I got were shards of glass
6.
Long Old Day 02:46
Nothing I can say Will make you change your mind Stuck in endless haze No answers you will find Coming up for air We all need a break Continuing this way Our heads will only ache Meandering around Walking on the paths the light is fading now stumbling in the dark We can always state We didn't mean to say The only words that will Stab you in the heart At least that you will say It's been a long old day Maybe we should leave it now Or maybe leave it forever All the roads to Rome Have been closed off Can't decide if you're wrong or right Tangents of tangent thoughts Guess I will give it up this time
7.
Selfish 03:13
Selfish fucking cocksuckers Ignorant and misinformed Persuasion fueling the outrage Doesn't care about your age Follow the money and where it goes What you do Facebook knows Tracing every click and like Anti-vaxx, extinction strikes Echo chambers all around Saying yes is the only sound Tugging strings, they all inflame The hearts and minds in this shitty game Need validation at all times Ignoring ways of being blind We simple creatures, base and foul Crying all our virtual growls Only care about yourself Fuck the strangers fuck them all Only when it serves your wants Do you even give a shit Eye for an eye will makes us blind All we do is fight and hate Fuck the kindness fuck the good Fuck the things we know we should Selfish fucking cocksuckers Only care about yourselves Everything's a fucking hoax Establishment is a joke Fuck the science fuck the laws Push your stupid fucking cause Jerking off your silly pride We all know you got shit to hide
8.
All the sights and all the smells Noises from places I can't tell It's all new and overwhelming I'm so hungry I'm so lost Aroma of foods that have been tossed Wafts of air and gentle steaming Searching for the smallest trace Hours roll on, it's a race How long will I be out here? Shivering cold gotta move Can't stop at all, find a groove Looking for something familiar So many faces so many posts Reminding me of what I miss most My eyes begin to leak tears Ramping up my deepest fears I'm so tired I'm so scared I feel so unprepared Take me home I wanna go home I wanna go home
9.
Always stuck in my head Thinking of words so many people said When will I ever find the space Everyone's stuck in this race One day I will find some peace Throwing away what I need the least Inane and idle chatter I want to escape Don't wanna be stuck in the same shapes I wasted so much time Loops in my mind Can't see what's in front of me Missing everything Can't smell the roses Stuck inside a prison of my making After all this time I'm still a prisoner of my mind Replaying all the wrongs that have been done to me When will the madness stop When will I come out on top Oh it's hard when your instincts fail you Can't think it out, can't follow through Oh it's easy to give it up give it all up
10.
The hours roll by Can't lift a finger Why does everything need to be so hard? Down at the bottom The bottom of the night Don't want to face another day Can't explain the push and the pull All the answers are somewhere else The thousand questions you have for me Will never be addressed
11.
Hold Up 03:08
Can't give up now Gotta keep going I know you feel like crap But just keep going Pain is temporary Visualise the goal You know it will be worth it That feeling inside your soul The myriad of doubts are overflowing Can't seem to find the light Nothing is glowing Completely lost at sea No beacon in the mist Well what can I do now Just gotta persist Floundering at the bottom I want to be saved Tired of it all Will I ever see it through to the end? Hold up! I got a new idea At least I think It'll make me perservere If I throw in the kitchen sink Why not bribe myself? With hookers and blow? Or maybe keep it classy with a titilating burlesque show? Tantalise and tease me Thrill me and delight me Make me do the things I don't wanna do I need something to amuse me arouse and provoke me Til I get off my ass And make some moves I think I'm in the overthinker's club Even if it's not perfect Gotta make a start Hold up! You got it going on Can I have some of that? I smell what you're cooking Give me all of that It's hard to find people Who do what you do Why don't you give me some delicious clues?
12.
All the times we shared The better days we fared Nothing compares to The way you do the things you do With all your soul and heart I wish I could go back to the start Of this Picking up the pieces of fractured hearts and minds We both need space to heal and lots of reflection time Did we really mean to wound and hurt the ones we love the most? Can't take back the words I said Painful tears we both shed I wanted the best for both of us But it's tough to fix broken trust We both yelled and we both lied Brewing resentment from both sides When it's gotten to this state It's hard to set the record straight I know we should move on But the feelings haven't gone I can't just drop it all You're the only one I really wanna call I know we can't go back Too many broken cracks That can't be filled
13.
Is this where this ends? Have I wasted it all? Nothing to show for this Pathetic little life Can't take it with me What was hoarding for? Accumlating crap and more crap Always going slow Caution to the wind Life passing me by One blink and it's gone Layers and strata of regret Piled and compressed Over a long long time Pressure builds up But nowhere for it to go When you've reach the end You can't fix what's gone All the times I said I'm gonna make a change But now it's too late What a sorry excuse For a human being I am Disappointing everyone especially myself All those precious times I needed to reach out I kept it to myself and held it in What a waste of space I have been
14.
I know I shouldn't eat this chocolate But bellies have needs or they'll grumble and moan I really want to scoff the whole thing down Regret comes later what's important is the Now All the pastries I want to eat them all Croissants, the pains, and give me doughnuts too I could spend the years satisfying all my tastebuds Variety and gluttony and tastiness, indulge me There is time to worry about the calories when I'm older Easy to disguise a growing waistline with a poncho Sucks to be human sometimes Urges that have to be sated Damned if you do Damned if you don't Suffering will arrive In one way or another I could spend the years travelling round this gorgeous planet Tasting the delights and delicacies that's on offer It's not something one small human being can get to the end I know I shouldn't drink this glass of wine It will go straight into my head But social lubrication is required To make some merriment and revelry All these words I said they seem unreal and damned fantastical Maybe I am in denial and you're the winner in this match At least I've been forthright and honest with my flaws forever Here's your ammunition go shoot at me with it all right now I can change I think I can I will go watch some Goggins I will watch some Alan Watts And copy him and get terribly drunk The world vibrates Maybe it's an oyster a big delicious oyster
15.
We both know this is temporary Even though we want it to last Let's make the most of this situation Take it slow no need to be fast Come dance with me Taking our steps through the night Drop the anxieties and the stress just for now This moment here is precious and delicate A flower that blooms just for now Let's sail away A place where no one knows who we are Stop caring about the little things I'll remember your smile Even when I'm old and grey This flower that only blooms for now
16.
Always well behaved Always the sensible one Never stray too far Can't get into trouble Look where I am now Can't get out this rut Suffering from imaginary foes inside I want you to ignore me Don't look at what I've become Can't stand the sight of myself So let's keep this shallow don't ask me how I am Saddled with the baggage Simply dumped on me I was none the wiser I was just too young I have got to deal with it No one else but me I don't even want to see this crap at all
17.
I've had enough It's up to here Tired of this shit Got nothing at all to fear All the times You broke your promises I gave you my trust But you spat it back at me I'll show you the door Because you don't deserve anything more You lied to my face You're such a complete waste of space All the things you said they're all so empty and so fake All the things you did they were all for your own damn sake Nevermind the gestures and the smiles and the hugs I'd rather sleep for weeks wrapped in some carpet filled with bugs All the questions that you asked feel phony and unreal I never said that you could make some seedy shady deals And now we're here just sitting round and scratching our own nuts I'd rather fill my belly with the walls from a mud hut
18.
It's late but feels early Not ready to go home Please give me a few minutes more It's now too bright Make it dim again Please let me gather my thoughts Don't wanna face reality Another tequila if you will Tired of being who I'm not Sorry I think I'll be okay I know that you called the taxi here Sorry for being a pain You'd want to stay here If you were me heh you'd probably do better in my situation It's early, it's late Depends on your perspective Well the Sun has come out to greet me It's way too bright Splash the water on my face It's Time for the daily coffee It's time to go face the world
19.
Mr Tedium 02:56
I've reached this point again Everything looks so drab Going through the motions Gotta keep existing Hiding behind this rigid mask Honed over many years Can't let them know How lonely I feel inside Keep going on Got nothing better to do What's the point of this at all? Ruminating thoughts over and over again The many things I didn't do plague my soul Locked into the patterns The tedium is strong I wanna change But it's too late Many times I felt something was wrong But I let it slide away Stuck in this grind Wanna get out Can't do it anymore Anymore
20.
Firewood 02:31
Sitting again in the dark Reflecting upon the months and years I think I had some good times But look at me now Look at me now Slowly withering away My healthy days are gone I'm only good for firewood now Far too gone All dried up Dump me on the pyre
21.
When you nag at me I'll just do what I wanna do Don't wanna listen at all To the shit you say to me I ain't your slave to your whims Everything you say is so grim You're unusually nice You must want something bad What is it now? Can't be bribed with smiles and cash Maybe one day you'll be a normal human But you're so set in your ways You can't see past your nose I long to be free from your demands Can't wait for the day to be free from obligations All this hassle can't do a soul any good I need to get the fuck outta here What is it now? It never seems to end I love and care for you But this has got to stop You have got to reduce your expectations Don't expect me to do everything for you At all times of day I don't have any more time for you I just wanna be my own person Independent and free just like an adult One day I'll be free from your demands Can't wait for the point that I don't have to deal with this shit All the times I busted my ass and gone out my way I need to get the fuck outta here
22.
Cut the ocean in half I'll do it with my big sea-saw I'll stick at it for as long as it takes I'll do it if it changes our fates Even though your oceans away It feels like it was yesterday Where we held our hands by the sea Nothing forced, just free It's been so long since I felt the warmth of you I'm desperate to hold you once again I've wasted so much time Planning the perfect way To get us outta this mess Finding the way that's best I can't do it alone I ain't alone on an island Got my family and friends Who'll stick with me to the end We'll make it through sickness and in health We'll ride the waves and weather through the storms We will both rise from the depths We will both be our beacons in the dark If you can't get here I'll sail my way to you I'll climb and crawl and fight my way to the ends of the earth to get to you When we're together again We'll spend all the time that we need To find our footing again And reacquaint ourselves What we have been up to The stories and journeys we've had The friends we made along the way Without we wouldn't be here
23.
i'm stuck, i've nowhere to run i hide but everyone can see what a big fake phony i am nothing to offer the world i suck on it like a leech drinking my fill from the earth never giving back and shitting to fill up my tracks light me up and burn me let me fall into the ocean brine me until i'm pickled eaten and shat out again baptise me, transform me, metamorphise me, transfigure me, immolate me, liquify me don't know what my soul is or whether i have a soul is there something immutable or am i playing a role? striving and stressing and running after pointless goals where do we go when we die? No one really knows baby, boy, man, son, brother, father, baby, girl, woman, daughter, sister, mother, accountant, lawyer, doctor bum, drug lord, murderer wearing the costumes and masks personas in maya the yin to my yang and the yang to my yin gotta have the sad in the happy and the darkness in the light gotta have the hate with the love the ups with the downs kill me until I die moving forward to return drop me until i fall upwards succeeding in my failure i'm stuck and i've nowhere to run
24.
Libraries 03:08
There's a library inside each and every one of us What is the library of your dreams? Is it big and architectural? Or is it tiny and cosy? or maybe a mixture of the two Cos I'd want everything My library would have a skylight And even a fireplace There's something about a fire That's ripe for thought and imagination We'll tell them like we used to do For thousands and thousands of nights Parables and tales To inform, entertain and delight There'd be loads of nooks and crannies Places to get lost Immersed in worlds impossible Or lives that could've been yours fact or fiction fact or fiction What's inside your library? What books would it have? A book of your favourite memories? A book of poems that don't rhyme? Maybe you'd have a cookbook Of Grandma's amazing recipes Or maybe all of your secrets to delicious cocktails?
25.
Piling Up 03:20
All of the noise All of the distractions Can't really tell what is real anymore Wasting my time I waste it all So many things to keep me entertained Clothes pile up Dishes pile up My house is a tip That stuff is too much effort And too boring So many things to do Don't know where to start Easier to put it off Doesn't need to be done now Don't know what I value Don't know what I care for Easily swayed and sashayed Twirl me and lift me dazzle me and kiss me don't let me know I've been betrayed Hoodwinked and lied to Wined and dined and sung to Tell me what I wanna hear Doesn't matter anymore I'll safely ignore the call Shhh be quiet stop talking Blink my eyes hours have rolled by Blink again and the weeks have disappeared Blink again and it's been months Blink once more and it's a decade Where am I now? What have I done? Does it even matter at all? Even if I pray to Vishnu I haven't found the path Circles and circles and circles Whoop de doo
26.
Can't see the end What's round the bend Too tired can only see what's right in front of my nose I'm a creature of habit The impulses I inhabit Lead me to doing things I don't want to do Dreams I had they're gathering dust I will die before they materialise Initiate the routine Precisely timed and perfect Don't need a clock for it anymore What would it take for me to break out of this? All the time I've ever had went into the abyss Easier for you When you haven't been stuck for a long long time Dreams I had they're withering away Wasting many precious days The many words I will never say I led myself astray
27.
Ignored all the signs Even though it was coming from a mile away Swept under the carpet Brushed it all away thinking I wouldn't need it Hills turned into mountains Decades I've been sweeping It's about to erupt Can't face the facts The courage that I needed Was twenty years ago All the times I dithered Filled with shakes and shivers Couldn't move Frozen to the spot Look where it's got me Now I'm always hurting Didn't even feel the pain and now it's much too late I'm in the consequences Subsumed and absorbed I'm drowning in the dark Tryna stay afloat In this sinking boat Leaking everywhere Thinking it's about time to abandon this ship All the scarce favours I'd always waver Now they all have gone I want to get them back But I can't change the past
28.
Immaterial 04:36
I felt this way once before A longing for a time I've never lived but I want more What have we lost by going forward? I don't feel home at all right here I have really tried to fit in always It doesn't matter anymore I discovered my way out of this I was so sure of who I really was My life tied up with so many things I bought and spent my time on It's immaterial that's worth the most I've realised this so late Rising from the ashes Sinking my teeth in Grabbing a hold of what's really there Squeeze tight Taking leaps of faith Love with my whole heart Beating with vitality I'm alive next time I'll be proud of what I see in the mirror looking back at me A man who's conscience is clearer than a frosty morning I'll always know Who I was Where I've been Where I'll go
29.
What do you do when you're bored? What is it like to be alone? For a long long long time? In the woods Exposed to the elements Absorbed in nature Charting days via sun and stars What's it like to be free of The pains and setbacks of society? Free from the hassle Demands and obligations Focusing on what really matters There's so much that I can learn from you I don't know where to start How did you arrive at this place? What was your life like before? Why did you leave it all behind? Was it worth the cost? Wish I had your courage Your strength and determined will Staying like this for any longer I'll die on this pointless hill
30.
Empty, I've run dry No more stars in the night sky The spirit is unwilling and the flesh is bruised Barely any soles on these shoes Let me be an instrument a page or a loudspeaker Channel through me The words and sounds you wished you could hear The sayings of your father Telling you he loved you Once more let me be a computer With a seductive display And show you stills and video of your deepest darkest fantasies what do you wish for? I can make it I can display it I can animate it I'm all but 1s and 0s, and 0s and 1s By the time this reaches you And the noises that I make Turn only into words When it tickles your brain You make the sense, you make the line I'm a mere conduit A little yana Break a little crack And maybe the light will come through Ignite a little kindling So old can become the new Ashes into ashes Dust into dust We dance our little dances Upon this ancient crust

about

Another year another S.A.D. November challenge. This will be the last time I will do it for a while, I don't feel positive having done it. However I did learn the things I need to work the most on in terms of my songwriting. I've made a video detailing the process of this challenge that you can find here on my youtube channel: www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWpzLv7R8Ds

credits

released December 1, 2021

Sai - vocals, synths, piano, bass, guitar, egg shaker, and other virtual instruments

Sai - arrangement, production and mixing

Sai - Lyrics and melodies and chords

Can't Remember - track 17 royalty free drumkit from Youtube.

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Sai Choo London, UK

Sai went around far and wide and ended up exactly where he started.

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