1. |
The Shell
02:22
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I've been hiding in my shell
a comfortable warm and lucid hell
can't rely on lucky breaks
a stupid fool who waits and waits
Gotta stick my neck out there
If it gets chopped at least I dared
To try again despite the crust
Always cautious, always safe
Always need to know the time and place
What I want is beyond my reach
This safety bubble's gotta be breeched
Can't just simply acquiesce to my thoughts
They're full of shit and false reports
I need to stop this madness now
I'm afraid of getting hurt again
One little failure and it's over for months
I gotta stop smelling this shit I made
Gotta get out this tiny shell
Gotta stop being in this lucid hell
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2. |
Read My Mind
03:12
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Gotta tell you that I can't stay
Even though you know I run away
Don't wanna be shy today
It's hard
Sometimes I wish you could read my mind
Cos I struggle with words to find
the way I really feel about you
Closer and closer I wanna be
But further and further I move away
Can't seem get any nearer to you
I've tried and tried and tried again
but something in my mind doesn't agree
why can't this be simple for once
Drowning and drowning coming up for air
Thrashing and flailing I wish I wasn't there
Maybe I should give up to this struggle
Reaching and reaching reaching out for you
Take me from the old and straight into the new
I've got no more strength for this at all
Push me down and let me sink
Deeper and deeper into the depths
The light quickly fades
and there's no escape
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3. |
Words Ring Round
03:11
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The words you said they ring around me
Bouncing round inside my skull
I really need a moment's peace
To calm my soul
Inconvenience plagues me
flashing painful memories
Why can't you release me?
Why must you stick around?
Someone sieve the thoughts and feelings
Mute all the sounds
Still I must keep going on
Ain't gonna finish now
Moving forward when I don't know how
I only can go alone
No one here to help me out
Dealing with knots of doubt
The words you said they ring around me
Restraining my arms and legs
Can't escape the painful memories
You're inside my head
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4. |
Endless Questions
02:20
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Endless questions of what I am
Don't know if I'm foe or friend
Can't find answers if I'm here
Same old people same old stares
Nothing behind the glazed-over eyes
Smog continues to fill the skies
What do we have to look forward to
The flimsy insubstantial new
I know things that you've been told
Even if it feels you won't grow old
The future's here the future's now
What once was great now doesn't wow
Quickly turns into wallpaper
And soon it will all be vapour
Present is what's worth living for
Show yourself out that door
Who I am and who we are
Changes if you're close or far
Cascading lights that bounce around
In the silence of the sounds
No more questions no more lies
Take off that well-worn disguise
Freely trade and loose exchange
Boldly state you haven't changed
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5. |
ain't ready
03:53
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My toes are cold
Time to wriggle them
Bring out the hot water bottle
Toast them all over again
It's hard to sleep at all
When Summer turns to Fall
My fingers are cold
Time to breathe on them
Vapour touches the air
Condensing on my skin
It's safe to say it's hard
I'm always on my guard
Hold up, I ain't ready
I want it to all be the same
Wait up, it ain't steady
I ain't prepared for this sudden change
This change
My ears are cold
Time to cover them
Hats and earmuffs
Will stop them whining
Everything is muffled, that's good
Don't need to listen to things I should
Stay close, it's heavy
Can't lift it myself
Exerting more, it's sweaty
It's probably good for general health
Excuse me, for the state I'm in
Trying to get this storm to pass
I minimised the way I sinned
But all I got were shards of glass
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6. |
Long Old Day
02:46
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Nothing I can say
Will make you change your mind
Stuck in endless haze
No answers you will find
Coming up for air
We all need a break
Continuing this way
Our heads will only ache
Meandering around
Walking on the paths
the light is fading now
stumbling in the dark
We can always state
We didn't mean to say
The only words that will
Stab you in the heart
At least that you will say
It's been a long old day
Maybe we should leave it now
Or maybe leave it forever
All the roads to Rome
Have been closed off
Can't decide if you're wrong or right
Tangents of tangent thoughts
Guess I will give it up this time
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7. |
Selfish
03:13
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Selfish fucking cocksuckers
Ignorant and misinformed
Persuasion fueling the outrage
Doesn't care about your age
Follow the money and where it goes
What you do Facebook knows
Tracing every click and like
Anti-vaxx, extinction strikes
Echo chambers all around
Saying yes is the only sound
Tugging strings, they all inflame
The hearts and minds in this shitty game
Need validation at all times
Ignoring ways of being blind
We simple creatures, base and foul
Crying all our virtual growls
Only care about yourself
Fuck the strangers fuck them all
Only when it serves your wants
Do you even give a shit
Eye for an eye will makes us blind
All we do is fight and hate
Fuck the kindness fuck the good
Fuck the things we know we should
Selfish fucking cocksuckers
Only care about yourselves
Everything's a fucking hoax
Establishment is a joke
Fuck the science fuck the laws
Push your stupid fucking cause
Jerking off your silly pride
We all know you got shit to hide
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8. |
Smallest Trace
02:50
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All the sights and all the smells
Noises from places I can't tell
It's all new and overwhelming
I'm so hungry I'm so lost
Aroma of foods that have been tossed
Wafts of air and gentle steaming
Searching for the smallest trace
Hours roll on, it's a race
How long will I be out here?
Shivering cold gotta move
Can't stop at all, find a groove
Looking for something familiar
So many faces so many posts
Reminding me of what I miss most
My eyes begin to leak tears
Ramping up my deepest fears
I'm so tired I'm so scared
I feel so unprepared
Take me home I wanna go home
I wanna go home
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9. |
Stuck in my Head
04:42
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Always stuck in my head
Thinking of words so many people said
When will I ever find the space
Everyone's stuck in this race
One day I will find some peace
Throwing away what I need the least
Inane and idle chatter I want to escape
Don't wanna be stuck in the same shapes
I wasted so much time
Loops in my mind
Can't see what's in front of me
Missing everything
Can't smell the roses
Stuck inside a prison of my making
After all this time
I'm still a prisoner of my mind
Replaying all the wrongs
that have been done to me
When will the madness stop
When will I come out on top
Oh it's hard when your instincts fail you
Can't think it out, can't follow through
Oh it's easy to give it up
give it all up
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10. |
Thousand Questions
02:34
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The hours roll by
Can't lift a finger
Why does everything need to be so hard?
Down at the bottom
The bottom of the night
Don't want to face another day
Can't explain the push and the pull
All the answers are somewhere else
The thousand questions you have for me
Will never be addressed
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11. |
Hold Up
03:08
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Can't give up now
Gotta keep going
I know you feel like crap
But just keep going
Pain is temporary
Visualise the goal
You know it will be worth it
That feeling inside your soul
The myriad of doubts
are overflowing
Can't seem to find the light
Nothing is glowing
Completely lost at sea
No beacon in the mist
Well what can I do now
Just gotta persist
Floundering at the bottom
I want to be saved
Tired of it all
Will I ever see it
through to the end?
Hold up! I got a new idea
At least I think
It'll make me perservere
If I throw in the kitchen sink
Why not bribe myself?
With hookers and blow?
Or maybe keep it classy
with a titilating burlesque show?
Tantalise and tease me
Thrill me and delight me
Make me do the things I don't wanna do
I need something to amuse me
arouse and provoke me
Til I get off my ass
And make some moves
I think I'm in
the overthinker's club
Even if it's not perfect
Gotta make a start
Hold up! You got it going on
Can I have some of that?
I smell what you're cooking
Give me all of that
It's hard to find people
Who do what you do
Why don't you give me
some delicious clues?
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12. |
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All the times we shared
The better days we fared
Nothing compares to
The way you do the things you do
With all your soul and heart
I wish I could go back to the start
Of this
Picking up the pieces
of fractured hearts and minds
We both need space to heal
and lots of reflection time
Did we really mean
to wound and hurt the ones
we love the most?
Can't take back the words I said
Painful tears we both shed
I wanted the best for both of us
But it's tough to fix broken trust
We both yelled and we both lied
Brewing resentment from both sides
When it's gotten to this state
It's hard to set the record straight
I know we should move on
But the feelings haven't gone
I can't just drop it all
You're the only one I really wanna call
I know we can't go back
Too many broken cracks
That can't be filled
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13. |
Waste of Space
02:47
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Is this where this ends?
Have I wasted it all?
Nothing to show for this
Pathetic little life
Can't take it with me
What was hoarding for?
Accumlating crap and more crap
Always going slow
Caution to the wind
Life passing me by
One blink and it's gone
Layers and strata of regret
Piled and compressed
Over a long long time
Pressure builds up
But nowhere for it to go
When you've reach the end
You can't fix what's gone
All the times I said
I'm gonna make a change
But now it's too late
What a sorry excuse
For a human being I am
Disappointing everyone especially myself
All those precious times
I needed to reach out
I kept it to myself and held it in
What a waste of space I have been
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14. |
I could spend years
02:56
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I know I shouldn't eat this chocolate
But bellies have needs or they'll grumble and moan
I really want to scoff the whole thing down
Regret comes later what's important is the Now
All the pastries I want to eat them all
Croissants, the pains, and give me doughnuts too
I could spend the years satisfying all my tastebuds
Variety and gluttony and tastiness, indulge me
There is time to worry about the calories when I'm older
Easy to disguise a growing waistline with a poncho
Sucks to be human sometimes
Urges that have to be sated
Damned if you do
Damned if you don't
Suffering will arrive
In one way or another
I could spend the years travelling round this gorgeous planet
Tasting the delights and delicacies that's on offer
It's not something one small human being can get to the end
I know I shouldn't drink this glass of wine
It will go straight into my head
But social lubrication is required
To make some merriment and revelry
All these words I said they seem unreal and damned fantastical
Maybe I am in denial and you're the winner in this match
At least I've been forthright and honest with my flaws forever
Here's your ammunition go shoot at me with it all right now
I can change I think I can
I will go watch some Goggins
I will watch some Alan Watts
And copy him and get terribly drunk
The world vibrates
Maybe it's an oyster
a big delicious oyster
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15. |
Fleeting Flower
02:15
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We both know this is temporary
Even though we want it to last
Let's make the most of this situation
Take it slow no need to be fast
Come dance with me
Taking our steps through the night
Drop the anxieties and the stress just for now
This moment here
is precious and delicate
A flower that blooms just for now
Let's sail away
A place where no one knows who we are
Stop caring about the little things
I'll remember your smile
Even when I'm old and grey
This flower that only blooms for now
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16. |
None the Wiser
03:08
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Always well behaved
Always the sensible one
Never stray too far
Can't get into trouble
Look where I am now
Can't get out this rut
Suffering from imaginary foes inside
I want you to ignore me
Don't look at what I've become
Can't stand the sight of myself
So let's keep this shallow
don't ask me how I am
Saddled with the baggage
Simply dumped on me
I was none the wiser
I was just too young
I have got to deal with it
No one else but me
I don't even want to see this crap at all
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17. |
Empty and Fake
02:21
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I've had enough
It's up to here
Tired of this shit
Got nothing at all to fear
All the times
You broke your promises
I gave you my trust
But you spat it back at me
I'll show you the door
Because you don't deserve anything more
You lied to my face
You're such a complete waste of space
All the things you said they're all so empty and so fake
All the things you did they were all for your own damn sake
Nevermind the gestures and the smiles and the hugs
I'd rather sleep for weeks wrapped in some carpet filled with bugs
All the questions that you asked feel phony and unreal
I never said that you could make some seedy shady deals
And now we're here just sitting round and scratching our own nuts
I'd rather fill my belly with the walls from a mud hut
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18. |
Late and Early
02:55
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It's late but feels early
Not ready to go home
Please give me a few minutes more
It's now too bright
Make it dim again
Please let me gather my thoughts
Don't wanna face reality
Another tequila if you will
Tired of being who I'm not
Sorry I think I'll be okay
I know that you called the taxi here
Sorry for being a pain
You'd want to stay here
If you were me
heh you'd probably do better in my situation
It's early, it's late
Depends on your perspective
Well the Sun has come out to greet me
It's way too bright
Splash the water on my face
It's Time for the daily coffee
It's time to go face the world
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19. |
Mr Tedium
02:56
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I've reached this point again
Everything looks so drab
Going through the motions
Gotta keep existing
Hiding behind this rigid mask
Honed over many years
Can't let them know
How lonely I feel inside
Keep going on
Got nothing better to do
What's the point of this at all?
Ruminating thoughts over and over again
The many things I didn't do plague my soul
Locked into the patterns
The tedium is strong
I wanna change
But it's too late
Many times
I felt something was wrong
But I let it slide away
Stuck in this grind
Wanna get out
Can't do it anymore
Anymore
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20. |
Firewood
02:31
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Sitting again in the dark
Reflecting upon the months and years
I think I had some good times
But look at me now
Look at me now
Slowly withering away
My healthy days are gone
I'm only good for firewood now
Far too gone
All dried up
Dump me on the pyre
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21. |
Unending Demands
03:20
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When you nag at me
I'll just do what I wanna do
Don't wanna listen at all
To the shit you say to me
I ain't your slave to your whims
Everything you say is so grim
You're unusually nice
You must want something bad
What is it now?
Can't be bribed with smiles and cash
Maybe one day you'll be a normal human
But you're so set in your ways
You can't see past your nose
I long to be free from your demands
Can't wait for the day to be free from obligations
All this hassle can't do a soul any good
I need to get the fuck outta here
What is it now?
It never seems to end
I love and care for you
But this has got to stop
You have got to reduce your expectations
Don't expect me to do everything for you
At all times of day
I don't have any more time for you
I just wanna be my own person
Independent and free just like an adult
One day I'll be free from your demands
Can't wait for the point that I don't have to deal with this shit
All the times I busted my ass and gone out my way
I need to get the fuck outta here
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22. |
Cut the Ocean
04:38
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Cut the ocean in half
I'll do it with my big sea-saw
I'll stick at it for as long as it takes
I'll do it if it changes our fates
Even though your oceans away
It feels like it was yesterday
Where we held our hands by the sea
Nothing forced, just free
It's been so long since I felt the warmth of you
I'm desperate to hold you once again
I've wasted so much time
Planning the perfect way
To get us outta this mess
Finding the way that's best
I can't do it alone
I ain't alone on an island
Got my family and friends
Who'll stick with me to the end
We'll make it through sickness and in health
We'll ride the waves and weather through the storms
We will both rise from the depths
We will both be our beacons in the dark
If you can't get here I'll sail my way to you
I'll climb and crawl and fight my way to the ends of the earth to get to you
When we're together again
We'll spend all the time that we need
To find our footing again
And reacquaint ourselves
What we have been up to
The stories and journeys we've had
The friends we made along the way
Without we wouldn't be here
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23. |
Stuck and Nowhere to Go
04:44
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i'm stuck, i've nowhere to run
i hide but everyone can see
what a big fake phony i am
nothing to offer the world
i suck on it like a leech
drinking my fill from the earth
never giving back
and shitting to fill up my tracks
light me up and burn me
let me fall into the ocean
brine me until i'm pickled
eaten and shat out again
baptise me, transform me, metamorphise me,
transfigure me, immolate me, liquify me
don't know what my soul is
or whether i have a soul
is there something immutable
or am i playing a role?
striving and stressing and running
after pointless goals
where do we go when we die?
No one really knows
baby, boy, man,
son, brother, father,
baby, girl, woman,
daughter, sister, mother,
accountant, lawyer, doctor
bum, drug lord, murderer
wearing the costumes and masks
personas in maya
the yin to my yang and the yang to my yin
gotta have the sad in the happy
and the darkness in the light
gotta have the hate with the love
the ups with the downs
kill me until I die
moving forward to return
drop me until i fall upwards
succeeding in my failure
i'm stuck and i've nowhere to run
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24. |
Libraries
03:08
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There's a library inside each and every one of us
What is the library of your dreams?
Is it big and architectural?
Or is it tiny and cosy?
or maybe a mixture of the two
Cos I'd want everything
My library would have a skylight
And even a fireplace
There's something about a fire
That's ripe for thought and imagination
We'll tell them like we used to do
For thousands and thousands of nights
Parables and tales
To inform, entertain and delight
There'd be loads of nooks and crannies
Places to get lost
Immersed in worlds impossible
Or lives that could've been yours
fact or fiction fact or fiction
What's inside your library?
What books would it have?
A book of your favourite memories?
A book of poems that don't rhyme?
Maybe you'd have a cookbook
Of Grandma's amazing recipes
Or maybe all of your secrets
to delicious cocktails?
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25. |
Piling Up
03:20
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All of the noise
All of the distractions
Can't really tell what is real anymore
Wasting my time I waste it all
So many things to keep me entertained
Clothes pile up
Dishes pile up
My house is a tip
That stuff is too much effort
And too boring
So many things to do
Don't know where to start
Easier to put it off
Doesn't need to be done now
Don't know what I value
Don't know what I care for
Easily swayed and sashayed
Twirl me and lift me
dazzle me and kiss me
don't let me know I've been betrayed
Hoodwinked and lied to
Wined and dined and sung to
Tell me what I wanna hear
Doesn't matter anymore
I'll safely ignore the call
Shhh be quiet stop talking
Blink my eyes hours have rolled by
Blink again and the weeks have disappeared
Blink again and it's been months
Blink once more and it's a decade
Where am I now?
What have I done?
Does it even matter at all?
Even if I pray to Vishnu I haven't found the path
Circles and circles and circles
Whoop de doo
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26. |
Creature of Habit
03:39
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Can't see the end
What's round the bend
Too tired can only see
what's right in front of my nose
I'm a creature of habit
The impulses I inhabit
Lead me to doing things
I don't want to do
Dreams I had they're gathering dust
I will die before they materialise
Initiate the routine
Precisely timed and perfect
Don't need a clock for it anymore
What would it take for me to break out of this?
All the time I've ever had went into the abyss
Easier for you
When you haven't been
stuck for a long long time
Dreams I had they're withering away
Wasting many precious days
The many words I will never say
I led myself astray
|
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27. |
Drowning in the Dark
03:12
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Ignored all the signs
Even though it was coming from a mile away
Swept under the carpet
Brushed it all away thinking I wouldn't need it
Hills turned into mountains
Decades I've been sweeping
It's about to erupt
Can't face the facts
The courage that I needed
Was twenty years ago
All the times I dithered
Filled with shakes and shivers
Couldn't move
Frozen to the spot
Look where it's got me
Now I'm always hurting
Didn't even feel the pain and now it's much too late
I'm in the consequences
Subsumed and absorbed
I'm drowning in the dark
Tryna stay afloat
In this sinking boat
Leaking everywhere
Thinking it's about time to abandon this ship
All the scarce favours
I'd always waver
Now they all have gone
I want to get them back
But I can't change the past
|
||||
28. |
Immaterial
04:36
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I felt this way once before
A longing for a time I've never lived but I want more
What have we lost by going forward?
I don't feel home at all right here
I have really tried to fit in always
It doesn't matter anymore
I discovered my way out of this
I was so sure of who I really was
My life tied up with
so many things I bought and spent my time on
It's immaterial that's worth the most
I've realised this so late
Rising from the ashes
Sinking my teeth in
Grabbing a hold of what's really there
Squeeze tight
Taking leaps of faith
Love with my whole heart
Beating with vitality
I'm alive
next time I'll be
proud of what I see
in the mirror looking back at me
A man who's conscience is clearer than a frosty morning
I'll always know
Who I was
Where I've been
Where I'll go
|
||||
29. |
Long Long Long Time
03:21
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||
What do you do when you're bored?
What is it like to be alone?
For a long long long time?
In the woods
Exposed to the elements
Absorbed in nature
Charting days via sun and stars
What's it like to be free of
The pains and setbacks of society?
Free from the hassle
Demands and obligations
Focusing on what really matters
There's so much that I can learn from you
I don't know where to start
How did you arrive at this place?
What was your life like before?
Why did you leave it all behind?
Was it worth the cost?
Wish I had your courage
Your strength and determined will
Staying like this for any longer
I'll die on this pointless hill
|
||||
30. |
1s and 0s and 1s
03:43
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||
Empty, I've run dry
No more stars in the night sky
The spirit is unwilling and the flesh is bruised
Barely any soles on these shoes
Let me be an instrument
a page or a loudspeaker
Channel through me
The words and sounds you wished you could hear
The sayings of your father
Telling you he loved you
Once more
let me be a computer
With a seductive display
And show you stills and video
of your deepest darkest fantasies
what do you wish for?
I can make it
I can display it
I can animate it
I'm all but 1s and 0s, and 0s and 1s
By the time this reaches you
And the noises that I make
Turn only into words
When it tickles your brain
You make the sense, you make the line
I'm a mere conduit
A little yana
Break a little crack
And maybe the light will come through
Ignite a little kindling
So old can become the new
Ashes into ashes
Dust into dust
We dance our little dances
Upon this ancient crust
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Sai Choo London, UK
Sai went around far and wide and ended up exactly where he started.
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