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No Sparkly Things Here

by Sai Choo

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1.
Today is the First 02:15
lyrics
today is the first of an endless run dunno if i'll make it or land on my bum I'm cautiously hopeful happily scared I know in the end no one actually cared 99 percent ends in failure I'm betting on the one that mutes all the haters I'm on my own no scaffolding to prop me I'll show you all who I'm meant to be Look at me right now A boy who don't know how But determined to figure it all out The pressure is high yet where does it come from? Like figuring out a dead or a live bomb Is it from outside is it from within? chimmy changa chuck it chuck it in the bin Can't get distracted or easily swayed The dog that chases squirrels The lover who always strays concentrate concentrate gotta move on can't turn my hard won rights into festering wrongs Look at me right now this is just the start I'll get there somehow And bare my beating heart
2.
Don't Know Where We're Going 03:51
lyrics
I don't know where we're going I don't know where we're heading Somewhere away from here Need a change Been in stasis for so long A holding pattern where we're slowly running out of fuel Gotta find somewhere to land If we wanna change our world it comes from inside All our shame and guilt and fear we really shouldn't hide If we need the strength today it comes from within But I can't do it alone I like to pretend that I'm an island An oasis within an ocean Sustained only through my own efforts alone But I am nourished by the sea The clouds and rain and sunshine too Never really alone out here The willingness to help is so sincere I don't know what I did to deserve this kindness Thankful for your love and care and brightness Going through my days without appreciation for all that you've done Would be a sin
3.
When You Go Beyond the Start 03:30
lyrics
When you go beyond the start Far away from your own heart It doesn't matter where you've been It doesn't matter all you've seen You shouldn't be here You don't belong here You should go home Throw away the influencers Put aside the prodigies You ought to leave here You don't fit here Go back to the start You've lost your way for so long You don't even know it Down in the dumps, deep in weeds Wading through thick shit Going through the motions now Acting as if you know how Ignore the gnawing feeling eating you Listening to the words I told you I know it will never soak through Mending hearts will always take time Uncrusting those crusted old minds Get my serrated knife I'll cut it off Stop sticking that crap inside the loft I ain't perfect I ain't a statue A human being with flaws and virtues Playing all high and mighty will get nowhere Covering up the ways in which we share Everyone's got problems they have to overcome When you've think you've lost your heart Go back to the start
4.
Walking Alone Again 02:49
lyrics
Walking alone again I don't know This is a cruel and manic show I don't even know where to start Maybe it will all end in a fart I don't know I don't know No one knows I can't balance anymore Vacillating between after and before Don't wanna be here at all But I gotta suck it up and open that door Can't keep letting things hold me back Always letting others take up the slack Gotta find the strength to move on Needing to end this elaborate con
5.
Loopedeloopy 02:54
lyrics
Looping same old thoughts again Will they stop I don't know when I'm so tired of this shit Constantly taking little hits Little by little it's chipped away My optimism and hope for future days Jumping jacks jump for joy Burpees for this fat boy Nothing's gonna stop me now Inadequacies and insecurities I'll show them to the light Running day by day I'll find out all the different ways If I'm looped I'll make more loops What's it really like to finally breathe once again? If I ever learn to survive failure Maybe I can deal with my lack of confidence If I ever stop being so demure Maybe I can get up and push through
6.
Waiting on the Galaxy to Change 03:08
lyrics
Waiting on the galaxy to change Helpless and so out of control I don't believe in God but I guess I should When everything is spiraling down Yesterday I forgot to water the plants One day turns into weeks and months The withered yellows browns greys and blacks Reminding me of all those times I've slacked I've looked back one too many times today Painful times ending up with Losing all my ways I have always strayed Don't wanna see my flaws and insecurities where do I start? don't wanna start
7.
Rant and Rave All Day 03:14
lyrics
I'm gonna rant and rave all day I don't care what the neighbours say I'm gonna sing and scream and shout I'm gonna get my yah yahs out I will dance till 5 a m Cos I don't know when the world will end Sweating out my beating heart If not now when will you start? Running through the motions again Don't know who is foe or friend Divide and conquer split us through what's new is old and old is new Quickly bored and quick to anger Sail the oceans with no anchor Subjected to the elements No forgiveness for your arrogance Never knew freedom was so easily lost Little by little the invisible costs Gently eroding week after week This world doesn't favour the shy and the meek Okay let me break it down for you There are many things beyond our power Wearing us down hour by hour This ain't no delicious whiskey sour But a hollow fake plastic flower It's gonna cost you to keep your mouth shut It's gonna cost you to keep your mouth open There ain't no inbetween and betwixt In this world of black and white I'm gonna sing and scream and shout I'm gonna get my yah yahs out I'm gonna grow and spring and sprout I'm gonna grit and go all out
8.
Welcome to the New Middle Ages 02:03
lyrics
I'll trade you all the flowers in Bucharest For your spirit of civil unrest I'm sending all my love to Warsaw City Where they have to deal with male committees Losing control of your bodies and health Government men with their hoarded wealth Imposing old crusted male values On vaginas, wombs and forgotten statues Welcome to the new Middle Ages Uteri locked in rusty cages We should stop paying their fucking wages now The tension between religion and people Hailing out 'round all the steeples God is great and God is good, It's the humans that make it about vaginahood You can stuff your purity and chastity When you've never experienced untold agony Of what is mine but you make it yours Now I'm forced into back alley doors You're entering the New Middle Ages Uteri are only concepts to the sages Freedoms are taken away in stages Illegitimate laws made in illegitimate courts Money speaks everywhere They use those words to trap and bind The doctors will ignore them
9.
Don't Wanna Be Here No More 04:42
lyrics
Never you mind of the Secrets you find in the Deep dark depths of your soul When you felt scared it was Something you cared when your Life was at stake with no control Can't keep pushing away uncomfortable feelings Cos you're pushing off the pathways to the healing I know sometimes you bear the heaviness of your being Crawling through life without no meaning It won't be close to easy The pain will make you queasy Avoiding coping habits And mental acrobatics It's imperative When you've no more to give No energy to live Bleed it all out It's okay Making a truce with the things you shouldn't feel You want to stub them out with the force of your heel The selfish and the cruel The guilt and the shame Don't wanna play no more This farcical game Don't wanna be here no more Don't wanna feel the pain no more Don't wanna work no more Don't wanna put effort no more I wanna sleep forevermore Don't wanna be a burden no more Don't wanna be here no more Don't wanna lose no more Don't wanna feel no more Don't wanna be a dreamer no more
10.
Red Eyed Through the Endless Night 04:11
lyrics
Red eyed through the endless night Continuing our daily fight Heartbeats thump into my head I wish I were a lump of lead Inert and dead I want to be I want to rest, I know you see it everyday this stupid dance and muttered prayers to the gods of chance Why must I suffer this ordeal! Why does this have to be real! Mr Sandman he brings me no dreams Instead we're raising the beams The crusted grit on my eyelids Is something I wish to be rid of I can feel my throat already tight'ning My furrowed brow with worries that flash like lightning The sweat it beads and rolls down my face I'm locked into this sordid place Breathing slow or fast nothing changes Calming the mind just brings out all the edges Distraction simply conjures pink elephants I'm goaded by a million sycophants Why must I suffer this curse?! Why does everything make it worse?! When will I ever fall asleep...?
11.
Maybe There's Hope Left for Me Yet 03:29
lyrics
When you have nobody around And the voice inside your mind is the only sound Echoing through your living box Chatter becomes a painful set of locks There is no escape You are always with yourself Dealing with the same old crap It's hard The twists and turns The arguments again The different parts Of one human being Clashing discord There's no harmony At all Resolving inner conflicts Turn over a new leaf Maybe intense exercise Will provide some relief Piling up the miles Wearing out the shoes One landmark at a time Maybe there's hope left for me yet Taking a chance on a risky bet Don't have the history to back it up Maybe I can fill this half empty cup Maybe these old bones can be built back up
12.
Tension in the Air 02:37
lyrics
This suffering can't take it anymore Unspoken words hidden behind closed doors We don't even sleep in the same bed What we had between us seems so dead Passive aggressiveness tension in the air Bad day at work, neither of us cares Delicious food seems so bland and stale I get the feeling we both want to bail All our hopes and dreams Ground up into dust What willingly was done Turns into orders and musts The colours and the shapes All melt into one Grey and massless blob Routine is great at first Then it becomes routine Tired of the same old jokes Don't care about the places we've been Feels like we've seen it all Definitely had enough Of this loose bond we share I used to love you Now I almost hate you Can we ever patch this up? Neverending silence Psychological violence Well this is fucked isn't it?
13.
Say No 02:28
lyrics
I'm so shattered so all over the place I can't even bear to look at my face Do we really need to make a move now? Say no My body aches my body hurts Do I really have to put on a shirt? I don't wanna need to faff with a tie Say bye We RSVPd let's go I got no strength to make the run But since we're going let's have some fun I'll drink the wine I'll shake the shake And eat a tier of wedding cake I'll flirt and dance and make a move If I'm drunk I'm definitely smooth I think I won't vomit on the bridesmaid Sitting through all the boring speeches I'd rather eat some ripened peaches This champagne and wine ain't hitting hard enough Glances that shiver, looks that kill Glad I ain't paying the final bill Don't be anxious, act all cool We cool She's coming this way make a move I wonder if I'm drunk enough I'm way too sober it's gonna be tough She's smiling nice I'm smiling too I think something just grew We're talking talks We're chitting chats I really want to sit her on my lap Hey listen to the words she saying man You idiot
14.
Gaslit 04:18
lyrics
Governed by a throw of dice Change so quick from mean to nice Don't know where I stand from day to day Showered with praise and love at first Slowly went from bad to worse Where is the woman I thought I knew? I know that something's fucked But I don't want to be lonely She is my life and world She is my one and only how did I end up in this place? Forced upon, tied up by the waist Controlled controlled No way out at all Holding onto hope and sanity Suspicious of the smiles and serenity Not everything is going to go your way I wanna see when you rue the day When I escape from here and your sadistic play This environment of inhumanity
15.
Strong Armed Curfews 02:34
lyrics
Enforcing strong armed curfews Gotta go down the back alleyways Can't be holed up in a place Where nothing I do is ever right Keep that housewife outta my sight Give me all that absinthe I wanna See the stars and moon and fly with them Put my arms around some floozys Grinding hips and bums and dance with them Guess I'll take the chance with them Hoping they won't rob me blind I don't mind Take my time Going crazy just staying here Pour me all your finest beer Arm my face with looks that kill And get the ladies to foot the bill We'll drink and dance till the world meets its end And the moon finishes going round the bend Smother me with your furtive kisses Make me forget my boring missus We've passed the line of 10pm When viruses will descend Don't block me I found a new girlfriend With ample breasts and a tight rear end This is the final last weekend To shout and shake and deeply offend I won't say sorry I won't amend THAT you can entirely depend on My head's pounding like crazy Events that transpired are so hazy Oh fuck where's my wallet gone It has my only photo of mum It's got my licence too Who the hell thought this would be good?
16.
Sea Sickness 03:13
lyrics
I don't know what I am doing Same old thoughts of painful longing Daily hits of sensing drowning In here The open waters are not near me Yet I'm adjacent to the quay I'm soaked into the cryptic depths You see The waves are crashing on the shore Each time I go to ask for more I'm held back Damming the building flow No outlet to let it go It's just a matter of time before it bursts I'm running out of strength Can't drag this out to length For much longer Feeling I should leave Can't focus all on me Running past the signs Somehow I'll get on by Always trusting fate But often end up late Missing crucial boats Struggle to stay afloat When I cruise on through The things that I will do End up being crass Wasting hard earned gas Circle round again Down the swirling drain Knowing it won't last Yet too weak to be fast
17.
No Support 03:07
lyrics
I won't hold back myself no more No one to support me to get out of that door They disapprove of my life and needs Be realistic, wife up and breed Projecting fears and hopes on me They wanna shake out all their insecurities I know there ain't nobody left to help me Goodwill it ran out of the house and left me Always you're sneering at my hopes and plees It's better if you weren't here Getting in touch with my hopes and dreams Wiping off the mould the world had formed on me De-mould and fumigate my soul Filling up the dents and cracks hole by hole Gotta be patient gotta take it slow Can't always be chill and go with the same old flow I know the spears and guns are pointed at me Aim down the sights and you'll see something juicy Use your disgusting words to hate and judge me Better if you didn't exist My upbringing My trauma The bullying The drama The sleepless nights The heartache The constant fights Until daybreak I know there ain't no willingness to help me Constant disapproval lingers 'round me I know your words will never ever stab me But sometimes it feels it does
18.
in the dark where no one can see 03:10
lyrics
in the dark where no one can see constant pain a desperate plea in the depths of space no one can hear you scream and scream Floating way out here Feeling so lonely Seeing the pale blue dot The one and only home we'll ever have Gotta to treasure it It's finite Churning thoughts over and over Scouring scrounging all the final leftovers gurgling bubbling Suspended can't go anywhere Breathing deep with no air Tethered and locked in place In infinite space Trapped within the emptiness Vulnerable nakedness Exposed to the endless void Take me
19.
Beauty Cracks 03:48
lyrics
Nevermind where I'm going My pace is gently slowing Trying to keep disaster at bay Always trying to find the answer But time keeps moving faster Futile efforts to seize the day Hours keep on slipping from my hands Things keep deviating from my plans Causes and consequences seem irrelevant I don't know what I can do Beauty cracks they are showing In the light of tragic knowing Don't wanna deal with it today Why can't things just be slower? I'd rather be a naive knower And do everything my own way Reality will be bent to my will I'll let someone else foot the bill Can't make space for things to distract Give me my blinkers please
20.
Stuck in this Dump 04:16
lyrics
I see the fields afar I can't go there I want to go there I'm stuck in this dump of a place I want to leave here I've got to leave here No hope or dreams can be found It's so bleak Can't look ahead Disapproved and frowned upon For my dreams Laughed at for my optimistic schemes I'll find a way even if no one really cares at all Can't keep going on trapped within these walls Where do I even start it's not so clear No support no help Alone I face my fears I am only one man All ideas are from me Can't even see this box That surrounds me Gotta dig deep one action at a time Flailing round I see no reason or rhyme Feels like I can't see a way out a party where there are no friends I'm running out of energy I feel I've reached the end
21.
Heading to the Graveyard 03:14
lyrics
Heading to the graveyard Feelings resurface I forgot I had them Until I saw that path It's just gone past a year Since you left this world Your memories and existence Offered to the void I know we have to leave some time Willfully ignorant I wanted to have another chat I was too late All my regrets, what ifs and ideas I can no longer share with you Just memories of you The sound of your voice Lingers Sitting in the darkness I can see your face I reach out my hand But nothing happens
22.
Emotional Dissonance 02:54
lyrics
It's the appointed hour to cut myself I don't like the look of the lines but they are there It's gotten to the point where I can't really help it It kinda helps but it isn't enough I don't wanna feel this way anymore Yet I close the door again and harm some more I feel so useless existing in this world Nothing really matters we will all die in the end Accomplishments achievements they will turn into dust So what's the point of trying at all? If I could forget myself For one day it would be great Not needing to be in this shitty body With all of its pains and aches Got a different blade this time Rub some alcohol and keep it clean
23.
Week Old Underwear 03:44
lyrics
There are many scary things in the world I hope don't have to see all of them I wish I could go back and erase my mind So much crap I really don't need Regrets pile up like autumn leaves Turning the lawn from green to brown Missing out on what could've been The imagination runs crazy Potential is such a dirty word Can never live up to it I lounge around In week old underwear It's impossible why bother Comfortable Inured from hatred At last Wanting to redo everything If I knew then what I did now I would fix all the things that are wrong with me today But I know I can't go back Just let this boy dream a little bit And comfort himself with comforting thoughts to distract
24.
Free Me From My Shackles 04:41
lyrics
Obligations place on me Straining again, want to be free Trapped inside another cage Quietly fuming, gentle rage Get out of my space I don't want you Imposing demands till your face is blue Is this what you really want? An angry burning mess Someone who won't be on your side When the shit hits the fan Time to get outta here Free me from my shackles Gotta break out Because it's fucked I've been so stupid Eroding my self worth Making shitty bets With no luck
25.
Elder Loneliness 03:23
lyrics
One day I will be old Will I have anyone around me? Will I be starved for friends and love As they one by one leave this world? Unable to relate to the changing world Holding on desperately to memories Everything's gone Will I just end it with a swift and painless death? Or will I wait for God and biology in a slow sad decline? Struggling on the floor from a bad fall Hours of tears and urine As I realise this is the end No one would find me for weeks Until the stench is unbearable Maybe my cat would eat me I wouldn't blame his need to survive Just a blip on history Someone who loved and was once loved Carted off in a bag And burnt
26.
The Persuader 02:22
lyrics
I'm 81 but I won't take no shit If you threaten my wife and life You're gonna take a hit Today on your head There were 3 utility men who came Pretending to fix an electric circuit But they were in the bedroom Scouting for gold Barbara yelled "Danny, someone's in the bedroom!" I needed something to persuade the men So I picked up my granddad's shillelagh It was the equalizer A fine stick it is I struck the man with the pillow case on the back of his head I chased them outside and hit their windshield and their windows Hopefully they'll pursue another occupation and left with nothing more than a headache And a bruised and wounded pride And go back to their families
27.
Remnants 04:02
lyrics
Memories fade away constantly Don't know if it's one by one or all at once The happiness is gone but the anger still remains left with the shit The remnants of the memories linger Whisper their final gasps from the aether Important people and feelings evaporated Their smiles and laughter and joy disintegrated Can't remember the words of my grandma The kindness and love she gave I hold onto as tight as I can Don't ever wanna let go of these feelings The joyfulness of childhood naviete and ignorance The openess and kindness Are all gone
28.
Superficial Surfaces 02:26
lyrics
When you only see the surface of things You end up with the thought: "That's all there is?" "Was there more to life than chasing and chasing? "Everytime I reached a goal it ended up so hollow." Putting your own death behind closed doors Ignoring morbid thoughts and worries and fears Closer and closer to the grave you go Before you know it you're on your death bed Time slips through like water through a sieve You keep on trying but you're using the wrong tool Your friends and family will someday all be dead What will you do? Will you hide?
29.
Same but not the same 03:43
lyrics
We're not the same as we were before On that day we went through our door Leaving all the old behind Time to start fresh and new Going through all the ups and downs The end was never in sight Bogged down by distractions How did we ever make it through? We found the strength within ourselves Supported by those we asked for help Moving our pride out of the way And admit we aren't perfect The sweat the blood and the tears Confronting long held fears Sweeping aside what was in the way To find the truth Hunger and thirst for change Scaling the mountain range Closing off worn out paths that grew Over with weeds
30.
Why I had to go to therapy 02:59
info
31.
an attempt to celebrate 03:27
lyrics
My therapist said I downplay myself Hiding my achievements on my shelf They're sitting there prettily gathering dust Clean them up properly, you must I was a nice guy for so long Everything I did was so wrong Overly invested into girls My lustiness for them made them hurl I thought this was about celebration Instead it's about contemplation Of mistakes embarassments and guilt I did what I thought was necessary Instead it was all accessorory Does my existence have any meaning? Well one day in November I got over my fear I wish before that time I downed some beers I was shaking shivering down to my core I knew rejection would be the final score I was tired of all my obfuscation I felt it was my obligation To tell her what I really felt inside Endless nights of palpitations Tragic mornings of masturbation It was my duty to no longer hide Sitting through awkward situations Biting my tongue through complications I deserve a gold star from my therapist Unsure about my observations In their many forms and permutations Why is this existence thing so hard? I thought this was about celebration Instead it's all about contemplation Drowning in my meditations Crying over old situations Shoving away the adulation There's no positive cultivation Straining through my exhortations Chanting deadly incantations

about

This is the fourth(?) time I've done this November challenge. I can't remember the years of the other ones but the last time I did it was in 2017. This year it was an outgrowth of a process of overcoming writer's block. Prior to this I made 131 sketches, one a day, didn't miss a day. I will talk about that process at some point.

Rules this year were similar to previous years - one song a day, loose minimum of 2 minutes per song, no use of old ideas (ideas had to be generated on the day). Previous years the minimum was 2 verses 2 choruses, but it would be hard to apply this year as I would not likely write many verse chorus songs.

This year had the most production value aspect compared to the 3 previous ones but the difficulty overall felt around the same, although at times slightly easier due to more efficient workflow/better skill, and sometimes harder due to more production. That being said, production values was never the aim of this challenge - the aim was to just capture the song idea for the day. Hence the often dodgy vocals and repetitive drum loops.

The overall song quality has been the highest compared to previous challenges but previous challenges had really good songs, whereas this year has maybe 1 or 2 really good songs.

I'm glad I made it to the end because it seems I've come down with an illness for the last few days that has made it quite difficult to complete the final songs.

credits

released November 30, 2020

Sai Choo - wrote and performed and recorded what you hear here.

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Sai Choo London, UK

Sai went around far and wide and ended up exactly where he started.

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